The Life and Times of a Broken Heart

Look into the windows of my soul

Saturday January 16, 2010-Sunday January 17, 2010

Idk why I took this picture in particular, I kinda just like that pose

This will be short, because my saturday consisted of nothing but playing with light art.

Sunday I didn’t get up in time for church, but I went to the Youth meeting afterwards…I explained to them why I had been absent for so long, of course they understood, they’re my second family. Then we all went to one of the church members houses and just talked for hours, I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time, I really love those guys..that’s pretty much it for me though, this weekend was entirely uneventful..story of my life

My heart is slowly starting to come back together,but I know that even when it is healed there will be a scar there

01-16/17-10

This one will be for today(1/15) and yesterday(1/14)

So the night of January 13th, I did not sleep…AT ALL and I stayed awake right into the 14th, got the invite to hang out with Alexis <3 but as soon as I got it my mom starts giving me mad stuff to do and tells me I have a doctors appointment at 3:30,Oh the silent rage that went on in my room, so whatever, I did everything, went to the doctor, knocked out in the waiting room and got so embarrassed when the aid or whatever came to wake me up lol, I did a quick check-up and he didn’t make me pull down my pants and turn and cough, good cuz I hate that shit, blah blah im in perfect health, so I went to Lexi’s house and napped for what felt like forever, but it was actually 3 hours, then she suggested that I move my car because I was probably in someones spot…well guess what I found when I went outside…NOT MY CAR -____-, that shit got towed…and the worst part is that the spot was empty when I went outside, it’s not even like someone needed the fucking spot, they just wanted to dime me out, so whatever I call the towing place and they’re all “200 dollars for the driver to bring it back and 100 to pick it up, but the lot is closed now so you have to pick up tomorrow at 9 am” FFFUUUUUUUUU

I called my dad because he is the cooler of my two parents..he said he would pick me up in the morning, so whatever I didn’t let it worry me after that, I had a good time doing nothing at Alexis’ house. Lol I kept waking up at night though, she moves around a lot, lmao at one point she rolled over and did a 360 and ended up back in the position she was before, I laughed at her and kissed her forehead, lol every time I woke up I kissed her forehead, finally got up at 7(1/15) and we proceeded to play fight ha, I win everytime,MUAHAHAHA!

My dad came and picked me up, he was kinda distraught about the whole Haiti situation, thats forever his home, his people are suffering, I felt really sad, for him, for the country,its just..damn.. and guess where the towing place was……RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY DADS HOUSE -____-

I swear someone was trying to fuck around with me, some ole bullshit man.

So I chilled at his crib for a little, cuz I haven’t done that in a while, looks like my little sister from Haiti is gonna have to stay with us, he’s looking for a school that she can go to in the mean time…I kept telling him thank you, I know he doesn’t have much money right now but he paid for the towing..I love that man.

Went to do lunch duty at my little brothers school, got some wendys, got the itis, knocked out, that sums up my two days…I just realized…my life is getting back together. PROGRESSION.

YES!

My heart is slowly starting to come back together,but I know that even when it is healed there will be a scar there

01-14/15-10

Do you see how messy my room is? that is exactly what my life is looking like..

and its only getting messier

Every time I start to make improvements with my shit stained life, I just end up back where I started.

One step Forward…Two steps back.

I’ve managed to smile every now and then, I don’t let them creep in too often though, i’m fucked up.

I’m doing things that I wouldn’y usually do, i’m digging myself a deeper hole. My sadness is slowly converting into anger,..I don’t like that..at ALL, and when people approach me with bullshit, it doesn’t help my mood.

My mom wants me to go to a therapist (but I dont know about all of that), she thinks that i’m weak and depressed and shit, reason why:

I’m still sleeping my days away, I’ve been sleeping really heavily, which I usually don’t do. Everyday I set an alarm to wake me up at a decent time, but I always sleep right through it, my uncle always has to come in my room and wake me up like “yo your alarm has been going for like 5 minutes..do you have to go somewhere?”. NOPE, I have nowhere to go, I can barely stay awake when he wakes me up, I just end up going back to bed until 3..4…4:30, it gets later and later everyday, I told Dani that I think im deteriorating, but she said i’m not, so I guess i’m not..HA

I missed yesterdays entry, but I don’t give a shit…not giving a shit.something thats becoming a habit of mine. Oh Well

My heart is slowly starting to come back together,but I know that even when it is healed there will be a scar there

01-12-10

My heart is still trying to pull itself together again, the illustration is what I pictured it as.

I’m sick as ever, I think that was my only issue today, I woke up at 4pm and as I stood up to get out of bed I fell to the ground, idk what was wrong with me, but my mom rushed into the room when she heard me fall, she started yelling at me and telling me that I have to get things together and start to move on with my life, then she passed me the phone and my aunt sternly spoke to me some more. Why does that have to be the reason that I fell, that I’m “weak”? Give me a freaking break.

My shower today was more relieving than ever, I gathered up the strength to read one of her e-mails, it was the first of many…The e-mail that I sent to her was just out of appreciation, this is what she wrote back:

So i just read your message. You dont even know how much i needed that. there are somany things that im feeling right now. i cant explain it, and i have no clue how or why its happening. all i know is i dont want it to stop. i dont want.. eh how to say this… i dont want you out of my life. ever. eventhough your not even in my life, yet. How did i ever do this without you? its like im not happy with my day until i talk to you. nothing ever seems right, and then i talk to you and i forget all my pain and all my tears and all i can think about is you and smiling. i dont mean to ramble on in your email and stuff.... basically what im trying to say is thank you for being there, but mostly for being you.

I don’t feel like talking much today.

My cousin came over last night, we watched The Hangover, it wasn’t as funny to me as it usually is. I didn’t even attempt to sleep, he woke up at around 7:30am like “damn did you sleep at all” I simply replied “nope” and shrugged I went to sleep at 8:30 and he woke me up at 4:30 as he was leaving, he told me “try not to sleep the whole day when you’re depressed, especially in this weather”, I guess thats the number one advice from everyone these days.

I shaved most of my beard today, idk why,quite frankly i dont care why. Fuck looking like Lebron James or Kid Cudi or whoever, im gonna look like Marvin Hodelin, I got most of the rug off of my face with my crappy electric razor, whatever

My mom came into my room to braid my little cousins hair, so she could watch tv, since my tv is OBVIOUSLY the only one working in the house, can’t you people just leave me alone? complaining that I left dishes in the sink and shit, when the fuck is the last time you saw me eat? I appreciate the bullshit that this family likes to give me -___-

whatever man, today is my angry day. Fuck it.

My heart is slowly starting to come back together,but I know that even when it is healed there will be a scar there

01-09-10

I may have found my therapy

So today…what about today? My mom tried to wake me up this morning, afternoon and told me that I couldn’t “sleep my life away”. It really made me agitated..everyone in my house was making noise, my baby cousins came over crying and whatnot so I had to babysit for a little bit while my aunt went to the store…fatboy kept fighting me for my phone while I was texting Andreas best friend, this boy..I swear, always looking for trouble, ha.

I was cranky for the most part, I didn’t wanna deal with today in all honesty, its like I can only feel OKAY on every other day, whatever, Keisha sent me a text today, she asked me if I wanted to get out of the house, I didn’t want to at first, because I tried that last night and it ended up being a fail on my part, I ended up being surrounded by people that I did not know, I left to take a walk at one point, but back to my day, I thought about Keisha’s proposal, I wanted to get some graffiti books, I just been to out of it to drive to the store, so I told her yes, I picked her up and we went to Barnes & Nobles, looked for the right books for about an hour, I finally picked up Graffiti New York and Wall & Piece by Banksy, something to distract me, I had this sketchbook lying around so I decided to pick up that hobby again, maybe i’ll get more serious with my photography and such too.

In My Mind, no, not the title of Pharrells solo album…my book of poems,thoughts and writings, not my rhymebook -__-, just my life and my thoughts,on paper, no matter how crazy the things in my head may be..I need some kind of relief, I need to escape this confinement that I have been unwillingly placed in…I need to BREAK OUT

Andrea, your smile touched souls and warmed cold hearts…including this one right here in my hallow chest, but now I must find another source for happiness, until then I feel myself growing colder

My heart is slowly starting to come back together,but I know that even when it is healed there will be a scar there

01-08-10

This is what my vision was like when I woke up…. blurred, I didn’t panic…I wasn’t startled, I just laid there while the sun peeked through my window..I thought that maybe I had been crying in my sleep, but my eyes were completely dry..so I just went back to sleep.

My mom tried to wake me up an hour later, she wanted me to go to the doctors office for a check-up or something, I just wanted to lay in bed, but she had to go get my brothers from school so she kept yelling after me to get up so we could leave…when I finally did get up I screamed and stomped and told her I didn’t wanna go, I just didn’t want to, but whatever, I got out eventually, pouting the whole time, we picked up my brothers and drove to the doctors office.

The doctor came in all jolly and what not and said “wow you guys don’t look happy AT ALL” he then pointed at me and said “especially you!” my mom explained to him what happened, and he told me a story about his friend, a fellow doctor who got hit crossing the street to get a pizza, and the person drove off, then he lectured my brothers on how drinking and driving really is bad, and how even though those people go around to schools lecturing on the topic and acting it out that it was something real and how I was a prime example, he told me I didn’t have to have the check-up, you don’t need instructions to realize that i’m a hot mess these days.

One step forward, two steps back.

I went to pick up my cousin afterwards, he has a showcase in Queens tonight at some club, he wanted me to take pictures but I told him I wouldn’t be up for it, he understood though,

On my way home after picking up my cousin, Andreas bestfriend Snoopy called me, I was a few exits away from the house so I told her I would call her right back…I called as soon as I stepped in the door, at first we didn’t talk much, she apologized for it..but I didn’t really expect her to have a lot to talk about really, but she began to open up to me..it was so hard to listen to her….she sounds just like Andrea with the accent and everything, it was so bittersweet, more than anything that I have ever experienced, I heard her voice, I just knew that it wasn’t her but I still found comfort somehow. She cried to me and I cried too, and I told her that she never has to be alone, because i’m always gonna be here for her, people are worried about me, but i’m worried about her. I can tell that she’s gonna pull through though. Talking to her helped me a little bit, I half smiled through my tears when she told me that Andrea used to talk about me so much that everyone used to scream at her to shutup, It feels good..to know that she loved me.

Some people want me to come out tonight,for this going away thing, I said I would go…. but honestly I don’t think i’m ready to go out again. I’d hate to be a jerk..but we’ll see.

My heart is slowly starting to come back together,but I know that even when it is healed there will be a scar there

01-07-10

Today I tried to wake up at 12, I set the alarm last night so that I could try and get through this..one step at a time…but I slept right through the alarm, it rang so much that my mom came in and woke me up, I fell right back asleep and slept until damn near 3 o clock anyway. I’ve been sleeping my days away, i’ve been trying to stop that,baby steps, especially after today, I fear that i’m gonna sleep and never wake up, it’s getting really bad and i’m trying to fix this. I’m trying to fight depression, but do depressed people know that they are depressed? I don’t know.

Today I submitted my video for weblogforlove.tumblr.com, it’s a really cool project, check it out, I want to give my full story, and talk about Andrea, because I’ve been giving bits and pieces here and there, but I want to tell my whole story..check out the tumblr to see what it’s about

My aunt came over today and made me this tea, it has olive oil in it and some other crap and it smelled like reefer, she said that I needed to take it because my body went into shock after I found out that Andrea died, she said that women handle shock better because of how their built or some crap like that, I never heard anything like that before, my great aunt who’s visiting from haiti said that the stress could affect me so much that I can go blind or something like that I don’t know anything about these haitian remedies man, but all I know is that the tea was DISGUSTING, I downed it like a fucking champ though, then I used everything that I could find as a chaser…YUCK

I look like shit today, at least im leaving the house today, i’m gonna meetup with Josh,Kathy,Nitty,Marty & Jordan, I hope that they can distract me, I won’t cry in the middle of times square…I REFUSE to do such a thing, but i’m getting out of the house..i’m off for now, i’ll be back later, hopefully feeling a lot better

01-06-10

Inara-Definition:Illuminating,

ex:I will shine in her honor

5 days late, i don’t care, I have no concept of time anymore, the days seem endless,what am I to make of this life that I live? I haven’t changed my clothes in 2 days, haven’t showered, just took a swig of mouth wash..IDGAF

as much as I appreciate support, hearing others tell me that they are sorry doesn’t ever help, im glad to know that people are here for me, but I couldn’t be there for her, its not my fault, i know, but according to my faith I should have been praying for our protection, according to my beliefs, I could have helped prevent this..yeah yeah its not my fault but the mind and heart are not always in sync..i’d rather have a broken heart from her telling me she doesn’t want to see me anymore than her being suddenly taken away from me.

my aunt keeps telling me I have to eat, “theres nothing you can do now”

I wish she would just let me grieve, I feel no hunger, I feel no cold, I don’t feel anything but pain

Today Josh hit me up and offered to take me out tomorrow, I need to get out of the house, so I decided to invite the whole NY tumblr gang cuz we all got love like that..the more people I have around distracting me, the less reason I have to cry, If it was just me and Josh then I would cry for sure, because he’s hurting too, so me, kathy, nitty, jordan, and marty are going to the movies tomorrow

Kayla called me, she went through the same thing, she’s actually the first person to actually call me, I cried to her a little, but she says she wants to prevent me from hitting rock bottom because she knows what its like to be there after something like this happens, she made me promise that I would get out of bed, which I did..I went outside in the 20 degree weather with nothing but my pj’s and my beater on..it doesnt really matter how cold it was, I felt nothing, I just took a few deep breaths, got the mail and walked around the house, I finally ate after about 48 hours, two sandwiches at that. I wrote her a poem today while I was crying, im about to record it and maybe post it, depending on if I cry or not.

I was supposed to take pics for my cousins show on thursday at this club, he hit me up with the details and I apologized and told him that I probably wasn’t gonna be up for it, he told me not to worry about it because our 14 year old cousin died in 08, shit was rough on all of us, he already knew the deal, but he gave me a shoulder to lean on, thats my dude, but im done for today let me go record this rough draft…

I love you, and thats something that can never be taken away from me.

01-05-10